Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
