1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
