fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize