Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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