Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
