dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
