I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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