I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
