What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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