I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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