Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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