Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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