they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
