Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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