You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
