If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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