Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
