I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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