Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
