i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
