theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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