what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
