you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
