I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
