I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
