I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize