he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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