Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
