My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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