I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
