my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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