No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
