theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
