I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
porn star boner night. come get it.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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