Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
