I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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