The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
