I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
