my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
