So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
