You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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