Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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