I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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