There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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