my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Blood and glitter go together right?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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