Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize