New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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