Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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