Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
