I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I want to fling myself into the sun
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
