I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
