My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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