He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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