I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Randomize
