Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
