It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
